The Harris Way of Asking

Dara has long referred to a phrase such as "Would you like some spinach?" as the Harris Way of Asking. That's because at the Harris dinner table, when you want the spinach and the person at the other end of the table isn't passing it on, it's just proper etiquette to avoid asking for it directly, and to gently remind the other person that, well, someone might want it. Today I learned this is the Guesser culture:

This terminology comes from a brilliant web posting by Andrea Donderi that's achieved minor cult status online. We are raised, the theory runs, in one of two cultures. In Ask culture, people grow up believing they can ask for anything – a favour, a pay rise– fully realising the answer may be no. In Guess culture, by contrast, you avoid "putting a request into words unless you're pretty sure the answer will be yes… A key skill is putting out delicate feelers. If you do this with enough subtlety, you won't have to make the request directly; you'll get an offer. Even then, the offer may be genuine or pro forma; it takes yet more skill and delicacy to discern whether you should accept."

Now you know!